Nny Gets a Conscience
by vinacross
Summary: God sends Nny an overly polite, female ghost to be his conscience. Don't worry, no romance. Rated PG13 cause Nny's got a potty mouth.
1. Default Chapter

She was quiet as she stood on the front step, glancing distastefully at the sign sticking out of the sandy front yard. "IT'S NOT POLITE TO WALK ON GRAVES." Well, really, what could she expect? God had warned her about this kid's temperament before he sent her.

Reaching out and ringing the bell, she waited for someone to open the door. A loud thudding sound, followed by a short scream, found her ears and then the door was opened a fraction. The person on the other side fitted his eye to the crack, and remained silent. 

She blinked lightly, scratching the back of her neck, and spoke up, "Um....ok...this is number 777, right?"

Johnny groaned inwardly. Another fucktard was at his door about to ask about his address. Sometimes he wondered if people that wanted to die just flocked to him. 

He opened the door a bit wider, fitting his thin frame to the space so she couldn't see past him. 

"Yes. And no, that's not the number for heaven. And no, I don't want to buy anything. And no, I don't donate to charity. And--"

He was interrupted when the girl shoved the door open and stepped inside, looking around . He almost fell over, but regained his balance and was just about to begin slicing her open with the nearest sharp object when she turned around.

"Then it's safe to assume that you are Mr. Jonathon C. Correct?"

"..Johnny."

"Alright. Johnny, then.", then, as if she were his supervisor, she continued with, "If this is any indication, then you're doing a very good job."

She was waving a hand toward the widening pool of blood that was forming beneath the victim he'd recently dispatched and acting as though it was an art project. What the hell was wrong with this girl?! Shouldn't she be running around in circles screaming for help by now.

"However, God feels that you're being reckless."

"The fat guy? What the fuck are you talking about?!", he was holding one of his knives rather threateningly, but she barely glanced at it. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I've been rude. My name is Juliy, and I'm going to be your co-worker. You see, Johnny, God feels that you've been rather reckless, especially in that styrofoam doughboy incident.. and.." 

Johnny was just staring at her blankly, becoming increasingly annoyed with her overly-polite babble. She sounded like fucking Martha Stewart for the sake of the Moose! 

He brought the knife down in an aimlessly placed strike against her neck, but the satisfying spurt of blood he was waiting for never came. She was just standing there, her arms folded, watching him with interest as if he were a kindergartener trying to hammer the square peg into the triangular hole. 

"They've already thought of that. I'm not exactly living, you see, so you can't really kill me. Just think of me....as a conscience."

Nny was deciding rather quickly that something was very, very wrong here.

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AN: No fear, people, this will never become a Mary Sue. Review please @.@ I need to know if it sucked and if anyone wants me to continue.


	2. Juliy the Psycho Interior Decorator

Thanks for reviews from:

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Lito Kid Skullington: Ok, first off, you're just plain freakin' awesome. ^_^ And secondly, thanks for reviewing. This is my first JTHM fic, so I keep going "ARGH! It sucks! It sucks like butter-less toast!" Anyway! Continue I shall! Muwahahahahahaha...ahem.

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Nny paced the Room, his thin arms behind his back, head bowed in deep thought. There was a human version of Pinocchio's Jiminy-fucking-cricket in his house. A Cricket that was currently fitting his windows with drapes in an effort to make the place look more 'normal'. He just thanked the Moose that after hours of threatening his own neck with the broken base of a lamp he'd managed to talk her out of pastels. He cringed thinking about it. Pastel. On HIS windows. Never. Having had to resort to the lamp again, he also explained that with his... lifestyle... carpet just would not be practical. Particularly beige carpet. 

He growled lightly to himself, wondering if this was God's roundabout way of punishing him while justifying his actions. 

"God doesn't do things like that."

__

Oh fucking hell she's doing the mind-read-ie thing again..

Little Miss Cricket herself was walking into the room now, and the fact that her clothes were white and still unstained was testament to her Martha-Stewart-ness. Her hands were on her hips and her head was tilted, giving her the appearance of some fucked-up camp counselor.

"Now Johnny, are you upset?"

__

Yep, counselor-speech. 

"Of course not! Why would I be upset?! It's just that a GHOST who acts like a fucking ROBOT is fitting my windows for DRAPES and I just happen to be a PSYCHO-FUCKING-MURDERER!!"

"Jonathon -no-middle-initial-C. I don't think I'm very comfortable with that language, young man."

He was really tempted to try stabbing her to death again. Really tempted. Oh HOLY CRAP was he tempted. Instead, he just turned and made for the door.

"I'm going to kill something.."

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AN: VERRRRRY short chapter. Because I'm writing this with 5 minutes to run to my bus @.@ But anyway..reviews and such please? Please? 


	3. Killer's Day Out

Thanks for Reviews from:

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PuNKRoCKBuNnY182: Nyuuuu! Not the kitty! Not the kitty! I'll be good, I promise! XD

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Kitty-NS: Why thank you ^_^ I know. I spelled it wrong on purpose cause Juliy has a funny accent. @.@ I probably should've mentioned that @.@

Keo Blaze: I know. I didn't mean for it to be so short, but you see, I was typing it during the half-hour before school, and the bus was a major issue @.@ So I had to cut it short, but I'm making up for it now ^_^

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The moment that Johnny left, Juliy was faced with one of the toughest decisions of her un-life. She could go for the pastel curtains and hope he wouldn't notice...or.. she could follow him and do her job. Frowning, she held her hands out in front of her, palms upward, and stared at them.

"Ok... if I do the curtains.. then the house is pretty.." She lifted one hand a few inches, "And if I follow psycho-spiky-head-boy there's a possibility of making him into a human being.." A couple inches for the other hand.

"Curtains...", Lifting one hand, "Possibly saving the world..", Lifting the other, "Ok, ok, God, don't get all grumpy. I was just joking."

Grabbing her CD player from her bag, she stuffed it in her pocket and pulled the headphones onto her ears before stepping outside and carefully closing the door behind her. She glanced at the sign near the door, grumbling to herself about 'advertising murder' and skipped down the front walk to the road. Looking both ways before she crossed, she turned left without much thought. It was very useful to be in touch with God.

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Sitting in the Taco Hell was basically a guarantee that murder (and lots of it) was going to be committed. So Nny sat there, his high black boots resting in the booth where he sat sideways, staring out into the room as he munched on a taco. He was just beginning to think that maybe he should go home, that no one here was being a moron today, a dumpy looking man with sauce stains on his shirt stepped up to the booth.

The guy just stood there for a few seconds, staring, and then he spoke up, his voice one of those throaty sounds that suggests a person is perpetually going to belch or vomit.

"Ain'chu sittin' wit nobody? What, 'chu got no friends're sumthin? Wouldn' be so-prized. Chu look funny."

Fitting his face with a speaking glare, Johnny grinned slightly, his eyes darkening and narrowing to little slits in his pale face. He slid his legs off from the side of the booth, sitting up straight.

"What was that you said?"

"Chu ain' got no friends?" 

"Yeah... that part."

There were a few moments of tense silence, and then Johnny's arm shot out, his fingers digging into the flesh of the larger man's gut, a steady gush of blood rising to the surface and spilling onto the grimy linoleum at his feet. The guy gurgled, his eyes going wide with the enlightenment that hi-ho-the-derry-o he was dying. 

Nny, meanwhile, was grinning maniacally, his arm stuck up to the elbow in the gut of the dying man. 

"What're you talking about? I'm friends with your liver!", squeeze. Pop. Gush of blood, "And your kidneys!", shred, shred, shred, "And your intestines!", Yank, rip, plop. 

Finally removing his hand from the guy's torso, Nny dusted off his hands, glancing around at the other restaurant patrons who were munching on their grease-covered food, seemingly oblivious to the fact that some guy had just been brutally murdered.

"Fuckin' moron.."

Turning on his heel, Nny made for the door, shoulders hunched and hands stuck in his pockets, still mumbling about 'crickets' and 'stupid fat fucks'.

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Juliy stood outside the establishment, staring up at the sign with a look of utter annoyance. Taco Hell. It just figured, now didn't it. She sighed, turned down the music on her CD player, and reached for the door, but when she opened it, she was instantly stepped on. 

Wincing, she flung up her arms and stepped back, trying to get out of the way.

"Sorry, sorry, my fault entirely!"

"What's wrong with you?"

When she opened her eyes, there was her charge, staring at her with a look that plainly said 'fucking idiot' and sporting a newly-blood-spattered shirt. Oh great. 

"Nothing's wrong with me. I was being polite."

"You were having a panic attack in the parking lot."

Folding her arms, she tilted her head up, nose in the air, "I over reacted. HOWEVER! Before you jumped up and ran out of the house, I should've explained that you go NOWHERE without me."

"You're...joking...right?", he raised a brow at her.

"Not at all, Mr. C."

"Johnny"

"Ok. Johnny."

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That ever-compelling need to just rip the girl's head off was coming back again. Fuck! Why did he have to be stuck with this Brady Bunch cast reject?! She just kept rambling on while they were walking and it was driving him INSANE! If he could just get back to his house.. maybe then she'd shut up. He'd do anything, even let her furnish the fucking rooms, if she'd just STOP TALKING!

"Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't let you say anything!", she was smiling a little bit, like she really thought he wanted to say anything to anyone.

"...", he just kept staring ahead, eyes narrowed on the road. Tunnel vision. Oh blessed, blessed tunnel vision.

He was dimly aware when she stopped walking, and when he turned, she was staring at the front of the 24/7, her eyes wide and shiny, as if she were beholding God.

"What're you staring at?"

"Must...have... Sucky..", and she was steadily drifting to the door. He just rolled his eyes, watching her. Oh well, at least he could get a Cherry Sucky out of this escapade.

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AN: Juliy's not doing the best of jobs converting Nny into a 'good guy', now is she? Maybe she'll end up turning into a psycho homicidal ghost instead XD


	4. No Cherry Sucky

Sorry i haven't updated in so long XD I know you all want to ax-murder me and everything, but i've been subject to horrid, horrid writer's block and a crappy chapter is better than a crappy writer's blocked chapter. Or something like that.

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Juliy flung the door to the 24/7 open with an abandon that was entirely uncharacteristic. She really, really needed to have a raspberry flavored Sucky. After twenty years of being dead, she could really go for some preservative filled beverage made from concentrate. 

She was dimly aware that Nny was following her to the Sucky machine, and didn't entirely know why until one of his twiggy arms shot out toward the Cherry flavored section.

She raised a brow, "Cherry?"

Oh goody, he was frowning again, "Cherry is beloved of the moose."

"And.. you're a moose?"

"..."

"Ok, Mr. Moose." , shrugging, she pulled the lever for the raspberry and waited til her cup was filled before putting the lid on. Turning, she was faced with a very angry, glowering Johnny.

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Brady Bunch he could deal with. Fighting over interior design in his own house he could deal with. Even the incessant talking in that annoyingly happy, chirpy little voice he could learn to stand. But the day someone gave him a shitty nickname was the day that Johnny C. would massacre anything and everything in sight.

His voice dropped dangerously low, hissing venomously as he spoke.

"_What_.. did you call me?"

That idiotic blinking thing she did was driving him crazy. _What? I'm a fucking idiot? I don't understand? Blink. Blink FUCKING BLINK!_ That was it. He snapped. 

Nny threw himself forward, fully intent on using the lever on the Sucky machine to stab her to death. And right before inertia took over and sent him slamming into the shelf behind her, Johnny remembered that this was one very dead, very permeable person he wanted dead.

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Juliy was aware of the odd feeling that something was passing through her, and then she heard the crash. Turning around she saw Johnny, sprawled angrily in a pile of Cheetos and Lays potato chips. Blinking, she tilted her head to the side and folded her arms.

"Mr. C, Do you always pretend to stage dive in the middle of convenience stores?"

"Shut.. the fuck...up.."

"Language, Mr. C, language."

What was it with this kid? Why did he seem to think that every small mishap in his life warranted using a curse word? Shrugging to herself, she stepped over him and moved toward the cash register to pay for her Sucky.

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Keeping his urge to kill everything within five miles in check, Nny stood up and pulled the lever for Cherry Sucky, fully certain that at least once in his life he would be able to get one with little fuss, given the fact that it was about 4:00 pm. The sputtering lack of cherry goodness that reached his ears was the last straw. The absolute last. 

Wrenching the lever loose from its place at the side of the machine, he stalked over to stand next to the Cricket in front of the register. 

"Something.. is wrong.. with the cherry sucky.."

The balding, overweight cashier stared stupidly at him, scratching his moustache, and finally pointed one of his stubby fingers at a sign behind the counter. Cherry Sucky Out of Order.

That was it. The end. Game over. There was nothing worth salvaging in the rest of this life. 

"What do you MEAN there's no Cherry Sucky?!" 

"It's out of order, man, that's all.", The cashier was looking just a tad bit worried about the goings on, and kept glancing at the Cricket for some reason.

"That Sucky was the ONE thing that could've repaired the utter shittyness of today! AND NOW IT'S NOT WORKING!"

Drawing his arm back with full intent of slamming the Sucky machine lever through this moron's forehead, Johnny let out an almost animalistic yell.

And that's when the bottle of Cherry FizWiz was held up in his line of sight.

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She could see it coming. There was definite carnage in the making right in front of her face. And it was very much her job to avert though kind of 'mishaps'. But she really just wanted to finish her Raspberry Sucky right now. 

Sighing lightly and rolling her eyes, Juliy made her way over to the cooler and grabbed a Cherry FizWiz, figuring that just about anything cherry flavored would work at this point.

When she turned around, he was brandishing the broken lever from the Sucky machine at the poor store clerk. Geez, how spoiled was this guy that not getting his flavor of drink inspired violence? But then, Juliy figured she wouldn't have been called into action if the guy was just spoiled. 

Unspeaking, she held the bottle of FizWiz in his line of sight and waited for a little bit until he grabbed the bottle and dropped the 'weapon'.

Crisis Averted.

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"Ooh! I didn't know they had cherry FizWiz!" 

His eyes widened, and his hands came up and grabbed the bottle of Cherry flavored goodness, not really caring where it came from. And abruptly Nny turned and walked toward the door, tossing his change over his shoulder toward the counter, dimly aware that the Cricket was following, slurping on her Sucky.

Something about this day seemed really wrong to him. He'd only killed one person yet. Something about that made him feel just a bit like he was underachieving. Oh well. He didn't particularly care right now. He had Cherry FizWiz and that annoying girl had finally learned to shut up.

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AN: Lame? Unlame? Personally i don't like it as much as the previous chapters, but i figured i needed to update ^^;


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